Week 11, Day 3: Personal Responsibility, or I'm The Boss Of Me

The past two cohort meetings have centered around personal responsibility; both admitting why we got fat and dealing with the times that we slip (and we all will, sooner or later). Someday, something will weaken my resolve and I'll have to work that out when the time comes.

I made myself fat. No one held me down and stuffed food down my throat. If someone made me feel bad, and I reacted by eating a bag of cookies to make myself feel better, that's on me. The other person didn't do it TO me.

That being said, our facilitator, J (our regular leader, N, was absent that night) talked about the Failure Cycle and the Success Cycle.  If I'm on the Failure Cycle, I think negative thoughts, don't track my calories, don't exercise, eat too much and gain weight. On the Success Cycle I pick myself up, I acknowledge that I slipped, write it down in my food journal, then keep on tracking and exercising and making good choices.

The emotions on the Failure Cycle are depression, anger, frustration and powerlessness.
The emotions on the Success Cycle are awareness, commitment and self-forgiveness.

But the trick with self-forgiveness is not to make excuses for myself, or justify my actions. It is to acknowledge my mistake, write it down so I don't forget, and move on.

J also talked with us about "black and white thinking", or extremism, where things are good or bad, on or off. Food isn't good or bad, it's just food. I am in control; I choose what to eat or not eat.

When I was growing up, wasting food was tantamount to sinning. My parents were born during the Great Depression; then when they were children, World War II broke out. My father lived in England and my mother in Scotland, and food was rationed (when it was even available).

In our house, we didn't throw food away. My mother cooked healthy and balanced meals, and my parents never got fat (my father is 82 and has always been thin). My brothers and I were on the slim-to-average side because we ran around a lot and didn't get much candy, or any fast food to speak of.

One time, when my brother and I were teenagers, we threw a few eggs at another kid's house. We were found out, of course, and my father was more upset about the wasted eggs than he was about the vandalism.

I gained weight later, much later, after I was older and had been out of the family home for many years. I visited my father the other day, and he told me that he no longer worries about throwing excess food away. He said, "I used to think it was terrible to do that. But it will do no harm to the garbage can, and it might do some real harm to me."

Truer words were never spoken.

Someone brought some Marini's walnut fudge to the office the other day. There was one little piece left, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Of course I didn't eat it! You guys know me better than that! :)

But...boy, for a minute I sure thought about it!

I'm in control. I'm in charge here. I'm the boss of me.

It has occurred to me that it's time for me to go out into the world and look for activity partners who want to live in a positive, life-affirming, healthy way. There is a yoga studio about a mile from my home, and I haven't been to a yoga class in about three years. Maybe it's time to try again.

I love this blog because I can share my ideas.  I'd love to talk with you about yours! Please share, either by PM or in comments.

Week 9, Day 1: Gratitude

I am almost over my cold now; there is a slight residual cough but I'm pretty much back to normal.

Went to my MWM meeting at Kaiser last night. The weight loss last week was not spectacular (1.2 pounds) but my blood pressure read normal! 127/89. That is so amazing! And to think that as recently as late December, my blood pressure was registering over 190.

I've now lost a total of 24.6 pounds. Staying on the plan is hard at times. I yo-yo between enjoying the product (like tonight's raspberry vanilla shake--yumm!) and being truly tired of having no "regular" food.

Today is the birthday of one of my co-workers. Someone brought chocolate dipped strawberries to work. I resisted all day and didn't even look at them. This afternoon, at about three, I went into the break room and saw one last strawberry on the plate. No one was around, no one would have seen me eat it. And it was just one strawberry! One wouldn't hurt, would it? Did I think about it? Yesssss….. Did I eat it? NO! (Did I take a picture of it? Of course!)

Anyway, enough about chocolate-dipped strawberries! Back to last night's cohort meeting.

One of the physicians came in and talked about ways of dealing with challenges and stress without resorting to self-medicating with food. One of her slides said "Food Is Medicine", which contradicts what I just wrote a sentence ago. But the difference is, food is medicine for our bodies. It should not be an antidepressant, or a mood stabilizer, or an antidote to boredom. There are other ways to cope.

We broke into small groups to brainstorm about coping strategies, or what the doctor calls our "Stress Toolbox". Suggestions were: talking to friends and family; taking a walk; listening to (or playing) music; a bubble bath with candles; creating art or doing a craft; spending time with our pets; reading a good book; watching something uplifting on TV, such as a travelogue or home improvement show.

Chocolate covered strawberries didn't make the list. :)

Since I've been on the program I've pondered a great deal about the triggers that prompted me to overeat. I am a big stress eater. When something goes wrong, or if I'm in an uncomfortable place, having something (anything!) to eat will make me feel better, for a few minutes at least. I am teaching myself to pause and think about what is really going on before grabbing some food and mindlessly eating it. And unfortunately, what I would usually grab was junk and empty calories.

Before this program, I would just put stuff in my mouth without even thinking about it! Now that I am ingesting five Optifast products a day, I think about each one, before and during. I think about the taste, the texture, and I space them out enough so that usually I enjoy the experience. I want to take that new habit into transition and maintenance.

Affirmation: Food is medicine for my body. I mindfully eat only what I need, with gratitude, then put the fork and plate away to move forward and live my life.

What strategies are in your "Stress Toolbox"? What can you do for yourself as an alternative to eating for stress release?

Week 7, Day 6: Crafting is my therapy

Funny story: I'm kind of a noob when it comes to blogs and webpages. One of my favorite websites is Craftsy, which is a virtual candy store of online classes, patterns, ideas, etc. for artists and crafters in every medium.

Craftsy sent me an e-mail, suggesting that I place a "badge" on my blog. Several designs were offered, and I chose one that said "Crafting Is My Therapy" with the Craftsy logo on it.  I copied the code and then went into my template to paste it. Easy-peasy, no trouble at all.

When I went to view mode to see how it looked, I was HORRIFIED!! Instead of "Crafting Is My Therapy", the badge said "Cake Is My Escape"!!!

I completely forgot how to navigate back to the template so I could get rid of it, and spent several panicked moments trying to retrace my steps. How would it look to Optifasters to see "Cake Is My Escape"?? Cake is certainly NOT my escape, at least not anymore.

I'll write a note to Craftsy about it, but in the meantime I thought it was kind of a funny story, and a good way to illustrate how my mindset about food has changed these past seven (going on eight) weeks.

I'm starting to feel better, FINALLY. I'm a very bad patient! Illness is so inconvenient. Daylight saving time is finally here and that always gives me a lift. According to my scale (and adjusted for Kaiser's scale) it looks like I'm down 23 pounds since January 21. I visited my father yesterday, who said I didn't look very different, but he is 82 and has glaucoma, so maybe he can't see me clearly. I feel thinner and I see it in the mirror and in my clothes.

This afternoon I'm attending a celebration of life gathering for a friend of mine who died of colon cancer on November 21. I only knew Margaret for four short years, but she was one of the kindest and most gracious people I have ever met. She was loved by everyone who knew her and had tons of friends. Whenever we went anywhere, she ran into friends and acquaintances and they greeted her like a long-lost sister. Margaret bravely fought cancer with courage and grace, and this afternoon will be bittersweet. She is finally at rest and out of pain, but her family and friends miss her terribly. I do look forward to being in a room with lots of people who loved her.

I am reminded that life is so very brief and every day is a precious gift. The guy who coined the phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff" nailed it, right on the head.

Here is a little bird I crocheted (designed by Stacey Trock) that reminds me of that very idea:

Week 5, Day 6: Too Many Choices

It's been a few days since I've blogged; there was no weigh-in or class last Monday because of the President's Day holiday, so I'm not sure how many pounds I've lost since the last meeting. My clothes feel looser so I'm sure I've lost a few more. Tomorrow night is the weigh-in and a brief one-on-one session with the doctor, so I'll find out if I'm going on blood pressure meds, or not.

I am finding the Optifast meal replacement plan to be more comforting than restricting. I have my daily routine of shake-shake-bar-soup-shake and rarely vary from that order. There are few flavors of "product" to choose from, so I never go into "choices overload." What I mean by that is having so many options that it boggles my mind and I end up getting "stuck."

Last weekend I was doing chores around the house and there was a marathon on the TLC channel of a program called Say Yes To The Dress.  Now, I'm single and not likely to get married anytime soon, so anything wedding-related usually doesn't grab my attention. However, this program shows brides (young and not-so-young) in a bridal salon, trying to choose a dress with a whole committee of friends, relatives and friends-of-friends (some of whom are straight males -- I can't imagine how interested they would be in wedding dress shopping). At any rate, these poor women are shown so many dresses and bombarded with opinions (solicited and otherwise) that it's enough to provoke a meltdown.

I'm just half-watching it on TV (not in real life) and it's enough to blow off the top of my head. :)

I remember when I got married, back when Ronald Reagan was still president. I went to the bridal shop with only my mother, not an entourage. I described to the saleswoman what I was looking for, and in what price range. My mother, who knew me very well, told the saleswoman, "Show us no more than five dresses. We don't want the bride here to have a nervous breakdown."

I tried on the five dresses and picked the one I liked best. Voila, deal done, over in about half an hour. That wouldn't have made very entertaining television, but it's my style and I'm sticking to it.

That might be what appeals to me about the Kaiser MWM Optifast plan. I don't have to make a decision beyond vanilla or chocolate, chicken soup or tomato. I know that these easy days will eventually end and I'll have to make decisions again, but right now I'm enjoying my "vacation from food." Rather than feeling restricted and deprived, I'm feeling free.

The opposite is happening with my crafting life! Recently I branched out from simply knitting, crocheting and tatting to spinning yarn, and then weaving. This weekend I took a wire working class through the crafting group I belong to. If I'm not careful, it's bound to be another obsession of mine…

Sometimes I long for the days when I just sat down and knitted a simple scarf. So many choices, not enough leisure time!

If anyone out there is reading this…do you get bogged down by too many choices? Or do you enjoy having as many options as possible?

Week 2, Day 3: The Minefield

Today was a true test of my commitment to the MWM plan. I went out to my car at 6:45 a.m. to find my right rear tire flat as a board. And I had a 7:15 a.m. meeting with my boss! I went back inside and dialed emergency road service on one phone and tried to reach my boss on the other phone. (Thank God I have two phones!) I got through to emergency road service after 35 minutes on hold, but never did reach my boss. Later he told me that his cell phone "died" a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't gotten around to getting another one. :-/

At any rate, thanks to the nice tow truck driver who inflated my tire for me (there was a nail in it) I got to the repair shop and to work just before 10:00 a.m.

However, while all this was going on, my lunch shake (chocolate, no less) exploded in my purse which  made a big mess and wasted 160 precious calories. Fortunately I had an "emergency" shaker and packet of shake mix in my desk that I could call on in such a situation.

Of course, there were the usual goodies in the break room, or as I now call it, "the Minefield":

The bagels and cream cheese smelled so good! I thought momentarily of just taking one bite, then stopped myself. I realized how much all of us depend on food to make us happy. I went into the restroom for a few minutes and did a breathing exercise to center myself, and tried to think of other ways to relieve stress besides eating. I need to have some tricks up my sleeve to make this work.

It's so easy to stay on the plan when my life is running smoothly. When there are bumps in the road it's a lot harder. If anyone out there is reading, I invite you to suggest some ways you handle stress without involving food or alcohol.