Week 11, Day 3: Personal Responsibility, or I'm The Boss Of Me

The past two cohort meetings have centered around personal responsibility; both admitting why we got fat and dealing with the times that we slip (and we all will, sooner or later). Someday, something will weaken my resolve and I'll have to work that out when the time comes.

I made myself fat. No one held me down and stuffed food down my throat. If someone made me feel bad, and I reacted by eating a bag of cookies to make myself feel better, that's on me. The other person didn't do it TO me.

That being said, our facilitator, J (our regular leader, N, was absent that night) talked about the Failure Cycle and the Success Cycle.  If I'm on the Failure Cycle, I think negative thoughts, don't track my calories, don't exercise, eat too much and gain weight. On the Success Cycle I pick myself up, I acknowledge that I slipped, write it down in my food journal, then keep on tracking and exercising and making good choices.

The emotions on the Failure Cycle are depression, anger, frustration and powerlessness.
The emotions on the Success Cycle are awareness, commitment and self-forgiveness.

But the trick with self-forgiveness is not to make excuses for myself, or justify my actions. It is to acknowledge my mistake, write it down so I don't forget, and move on.

J also talked with us about "black and white thinking", or extremism, where things are good or bad, on or off. Food isn't good or bad, it's just food. I am in control; I choose what to eat or not eat.

When I was growing up, wasting food was tantamount to sinning. My parents were born during the Great Depression; then when they were children, World War II broke out. My father lived in England and my mother in Scotland, and food was rationed (when it was even available).

In our house, we didn't throw food away. My mother cooked healthy and balanced meals, and my parents never got fat (my father is 82 and has always been thin). My brothers and I were on the slim-to-average side because we ran around a lot and didn't get much candy, or any fast food to speak of.

One time, when my brother and I were teenagers, we threw a few eggs at another kid's house. We were found out, of course, and my father was more upset about the wasted eggs than he was about the vandalism.

I gained weight later, much later, after I was older and had been out of the family home for many years. I visited my father the other day, and he told me that he no longer worries about throwing excess food away. He said, "I used to think it was terrible to do that. But it will do no harm to the garbage can, and it might do some real harm to me."

Truer words were never spoken.

Someone brought some Marini's walnut fudge to the office the other day. There was one little piece left, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Of course I didn't eat it! You guys know me better than that! :)

But...boy, for a minute I sure thought about it!

I'm in control. I'm in charge here. I'm the boss of me.

It has occurred to me that it's time for me to go out into the world and look for activity partners who want to live in a positive, life-affirming, healthy way. There is a yoga studio about a mile from my home, and I haven't been to a yoga class in about three years. Maybe it's time to try again.

I love this blog because I can share my ideas.  I'd love to talk with you about yours! Please share, either by PM or in comments.

Week 9, Day 3: Those dreaded words

Today we had another party at work. One of my co-workers (who has a side business planning parties) catered a beautiful spread of sandwiches on croissants, pasta salad, veggies and dip, pink lemonade and (the biggest stumbling-block for me) a huge fresh fruit salad.

I went into the "party room" to hang out for a little while and sip my bottled water. One co-worker (not the caterer) said, "Can't you just have some veggies? There aren't any calories."

Some of my Kaiser co-cohorters (CoCos!) have related similar stories of such things being said to them, but it had not happened to me yet. I'm out of the Optifast closet at work, so everyone knows that I don't eat regular food, and can't for four months. I am not sure what part of PRODUCT ONLY is so hard to understand; people of lesser education and intellect than this gal seem to grasp it! But she just couldn't resist saying it.

I simply answered, "No, I can't" and let it go at that.

Most people are very respectful of me and my choice. A lot of my co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances have commented on my weight loss and have given me encouragement. Friends and family have been my cheerleaders. My brother checks in with me once a week to see how I'm doing and rally me on. My boss is probably the most supportive. The other day he said, "I'm glad you are doing this and I want to help you any way I can. I've got a selfish motive -- if you keel over with a heart attack or stroke, I'm screwed!"

It was a funny thing for him to say, but it made me feel great.

I understand that others are not on my program and "regular life" goes on. There are parties, there are dinners, there are birthdays and special occasions. There will be food everywhere and I have to make choices. What is momentary enjoyment of some food, when my long-term health and well-being is at stake? When we go into transition and then into maintenance I'll have to make these choices all the time. Right now I'm fortunate to have a plan that is set out and spelled out for me…no thinking required.

My goal for this next week, now that my bug has almost run its course, is to be more diligent about exercise. I want to aim for 9000 steps every day until the end of March.

If you are trying to lose weight, how do you handle the insensitive statements of others? And do you have a behavioral goal you would like to achieve this week?

Week 7, Day 4: The wisdom of illness and the opportunities it presents...

I have been battling a severe cold/flu (take your pick) since last Friday, all the while going to work every day and trying to keep up as best as I have been able, so it's been a tough week for me.

I did go to my MWM meeting at Kaiser on Monday and I lost 3.6 pounds last week, or 20.3 pounds total, since beginning product on January 21. I am feeling it in my clothes and it is becoming easier to move. A couple of people at work have noticed and I am now "out" with my MWM program.

The illness has made me a little bit weak, and I have been struggling to get all five of my products in every day. To be honest, I have only been able to ingest four products most days this week, but as I feel better will make a concerted effort to eat all five. I'm sure I've lost another pound or two since Monday. I haven't been able to exercise as much this week, but I've been walking as much as I can in regular life, and have been getting in 3000-4000 steps at work every day.

There are some advantages to being sick: No hunger! (That's a big plus!) Also, illness has a purifying effect, at least it does on me. It's a pain in the butt, and an inconvenience, and makes me feel like crap, but it forces me to see people and situations as they really are, not as I wish they were. A reality check, so to speak. Those little "aha moments" can be emotionally painful, but they are necessary. And for some reason my clearest emotional moments occur when my body is at its weakest.

Knock on wood…I am fortunate to be as relatively healthy as I have been (especially as overweight as I was and the neglectful way I've treated my body.) As I get older, I suspect it will be harder to shake off these viruses and other things as they arise. I hope I can learn from this week, and if/when more serious illness happens, I can endure it with strength and grace, as some of my friends and family members have done.

Cough, cough! I hope you all are keeping well!