Week 14, Day 7: My cheat day and working out

I'm now down 37 pounds, and have two more weeks of full product to go before heading into transition. My fear of food has abated and now I've been thinking of new ways to eat, and healthier modifications of favorite recipes.

On Thursday, April 17, I cheated. So far I've been able to resist the cakes, cookies, fudge and bagels. However, on Thursday one of my co-workers brought a platter of baby carrot and celery sticks. This event coincided with my forgetting to pack my nutrition bar in my purse, which gave me the perfect excuse to cheat. :)

I picked up one celery stick (about 2" long) and a baby carrot, and brought them to my desk. When it was time for lunch I munched on them slowly, with itty bitty bites. They tasted good! I was surprised by the strings in the celery, because those had not been in my veggie fantasies. But it was great to have a bit of raw veggie after abstaining all this time.

I'm not a bit remorseful. And that one little cheat was enough for me; no big bags of raw veggies are in my refrigerator to snack on. (Or Oreo cookies, for that matter.)

The other big news is…I joined a gym! A gym near my home is under new ownership and they are running a new member special through the end of April. The monthly rates are very reasonable and there is no contract. For the special they reduced their sign-up fee to $1. I paid a prorated amount for the rest of April, and my full membership will kick in on May 1.

It's a nice gym, large and clean, with lots of machines and equipment. The treadmill I used today was huge, with a secure place for me to put my e-book reader. (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos who reads on the treadmill.) There are also classes available, such as yoga, Zumba, kickboxing, cycling, etc.

I decided to join this gym rather than the yoga studio due to cost; also, there is more variety at the gym and there are several types of exercise I would like to try.

As today is Easter Sunday, the classes were canceled, but I'm going back tomorrow night to try Zumba.:)  It's amazing how much easier it is to move around with 37 pounds gone! I feel energized, not exhausted.

The staff member who signed me up at the gym had to fill out a registration form with several questions, one of which was, "How much do you weigh?" Back in January I would have been embarrassed to answer (and would probably have lied). Today I had no problem answering truthfully. He asked me what my goal weight was, and I said, "I weighed 120 in high school, but I don't know if that's achievable at my age." He said, "Sure it is!"

How things have changed in three short months!!

Happy Easter to those who celebrate; and to those who do not, have a great Sunday evening! Here are some of my knitted creations, pattern design by Susan B. Anderson:

Week 11, Day 3: Personal Responsibility, or I'm The Boss Of Me

The past two cohort meetings have centered around personal responsibility; both admitting why we got fat and dealing with the times that we slip (and we all will, sooner or later). Someday, something will weaken my resolve and I'll have to work that out when the time comes.

I made myself fat. No one held me down and stuffed food down my throat. If someone made me feel bad, and I reacted by eating a bag of cookies to make myself feel better, that's on me. The other person didn't do it TO me.

That being said, our facilitator, J (our regular leader, N, was absent that night) talked about the Failure Cycle and the Success Cycle.  If I'm on the Failure Cycle, I think negative thoughts, don't track my calories, don't exercise, eat too much and gain weight. On the Success Cycle I pick myself up, I acknowledge that I slipped, write it down in my food journal, then keep on tracking and exercising and making good choices.

The emotions on the Failure Cycle are depression, anger, frustration and powerlessness.
The emotions on the Success Cycle are awareness, commitment and self-forgiveness.

But the trick with self-forgiveness is not to make excuses for myself, or justify my actions. It is to acknowledge my mistake, write it down so I don't forget, and move on.

J also talked with us about "black and white thinking", or extremism, where things are good or bad, on or off. Food isn't good or bad, it's just food. I am in control; I choose what to eat or not eat.

When I was growing up, wasting food was tantamount to sinning. My parents were born during the Great Depression; then when they were children, World War II broke out. My father lived in England and my mother in Scotland, and food was rationed (when it was even available).

In our house, we didn't throw food away. My mother cooked healthy and balanced meals, and my parents never got fat (my father is 82 and has always been thin). My brothers and I were on the slim-to-average side because we ran around a lot and didn't get much candy, or any fast food to speak of.

One time, when my brother and I were teenagers, we threw a few eggs at another kid's house. We were found out, of course, and my father was more upset about the wasted eggs than he was about the vandalism.

I gained weight later, much later, after I was older and had been out of the family home for many years. I visited my father the other day, and he told me that he no longer worries about throwing excess food away. He said, "I used to think it was terrible to do that. But it will do no harm to the garbage can, and it might do some real harm to me."

Truer words were never spoken.

Someone brought some Marini's walnut fudge to the office the other day. There was one little piece left, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Of course I didn't eat it! You guys know me better than that! :)

But...boy, for a minute I sure thought about it!

I'm in control. I'm in charge here. I'm the boss of me.

It has occurred to me that it's time for me to go out into the world and look for activity partners who want to live in a positive, life-affirming, healthy way. There is a yoga studio about a mile from my home, and I haven't been to a yoga class in about three years. Maybe it's time to try again.

I love this blog because I can share my ideas.  I'd love to talk with you about yours! Please share, either by PM or in comments.

Week 11, Day 1: Thirty pounds released into the wild

I've been a very bad blogger. Week Ten got past me and I didn't make an entry. Nothing much really happened, EXCEPT LOSING 3.6 POUNDS! Bwahahahaha! April Fool!

It's official…I'm now 30 pounds closer to my goal. I'm very pleased about that.

On a sadder note: Our Kaiser cohort group has become very tight and we all try to support each other. A couple of people have left the program for various reasons. One of our cohorters had to leave the program this week, as she has been diagnosed with a serious illness and must start intensive treatment right away. This news hit us all very hard. It is a somber reminder that everything is temporary; nothing is static.

I hope and pray for a miracle -- that our weight-loss friend will be fully cured and able to resume her MWM program next year.

I'm getting used to consuming the meal replacement "products". They are my comfort food, in a way. Most of the others are looking forward to being allowed to have "real" food, but I would be very happy  to stay on product indefinitely. It has become my security blanket. We start transition in four weeks, and I need to really look at why I'm clinging to my product. Part of it is laziness…there is nothing easier. No grocery shopping, no decisions to make, nothing to do but add water and stir (or blend).

Being on product and not obsessing about food gives me room in my life for other activities. Like walking! Like movies! Like crafts! I'm signed up for two knit-alongs and one crochet-along for the month of April. Yes, I'm crazy. That is a lot of projects, in addition to a full-time job and other things to do.

The other part is: I'm losing weight. I don't want to put myself in a place where I might slip, or eat something I shouldn't. If I stick to product I can't go wrong. "Real" food is still a minefield for me.

I might have mentioned this before, but I was told that we could opt for an eight-week transition, as opposed to four. A lot of participants are excited to wean themselves away from product because purchasing the products is an additional expense alongside the family grocery budget. But because I live alone, the product replaces my groceries, and cost-wise it's not that much different from when I was cooking and buying food.

So I am hoping that they will okay an eight-week transition for me. Maybe that way I'll be able to prolong the weight loss mode and get close to my goal before having to eat food again.

I have a lot more to say, but it's late and I need to get up early for a 7:15 a.m. meeting at work. Two cohorts ago our group talked about personal responsibility (a favorite topic of mine). Yes, I made myself fat. Not my parents, not my exes, not my boss, not Presidents Bush or Obama.

I eats the food, I pays the price.

More on that enlightening topic next time! :)